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Hella Traumatic

Maannnnn I’ve been through some shit! Admittedly, I’ve always heard other people say that about my life after telling them about an experience, but I think that’s the first time I’ve really said it myself. Recently, I’ve come to a place where I realize how powerful my story is and how it can impact others if I tell it, tell it well and tell it often. I’m excited and nervous about this mainly because in order to tell my story I have to relive some really dark parts of my life. To clean my story up and put it in short form, long form and pitch form I’m forced to return to those emotions and experiences for all of the forms. You know when doctors look at a wound, they may try not to hurt you but they also will do what it takes to inspect the wound regardless of how much it may hurt. Handle with care but do what needs to be done. That’s how this feels, I handle myself with care but I do what needs to be done. While doing what needs to be done last week I was mind dumping and I surprised myself when I wrote:

“Morgan knows how it feels to work so hard for something only to be blindsided by life upon reaching it.”

Then it hit me… maybe I don’t have a fear of failure perhaps I have a fear of success. My victories have been stained with the losses that I could have never prepared for and my mind intermingles the two. I know how to deal with and persist through things but I haven’t really dealt with that aspect in particular. I’ve dealt with the losses I’ve dealt with the dark valley and seeing light within it. I’ve dealt with taking hold of my emotions and letting them out but the lasting trauma of getting to college on that scholarship that I worked for and doing things by the book to make it there only to lose someone I never saw coming. My coach and my team knew I wasn’t mentally stable enough to play and look up in the stands and not see my brother. I felt like I had worked really hard for something, got it, then mentally and emotionally couldn’t be there to fully enjoy it. The rest of my years were spent figuring out how to cope and move forward.

I get married, and yes for a girl in the south who grew up in a loving two parent household marriage was a “goal” *rolls eyes with you* to my college sweetheart do the work, do the things that I think it takes to make it work and live the life that I visualize. I push through the toxicity of the relationship only to have a still birth upon setting everything up. Buy the house to keep moving forward, get the cushy job working from home and ready to create that family only to get a divorce and lose my job in the end. I’ve always known how to push through the pain. I had no choice.

In softball, if you got hit with the ball or hurt making a play, you know to finish the play and push through to get the out or score the run so you and your team can win. Then in between innings or during timeouts you manage the injury and but your adrenaline is pumping and you don’t always feel the pain especially if you intend on pushing through. I believe I addressed my pain and put a Band-Aid on it popped an ibuprofen and became a pro at pushing through in life.

This is probably the first time in 10 years I can look around and feel at peace like I’m finally not in a mental and emotional battle. I feel like I won that game (the game of pushing through). And now that that “game” is over this down time is allowing me to focus on me also allowing me to see the bruises and scratches from when I pushed through the pain before. I’m noticing that injuries left my insides and mindset a little disfigured. Now I’m trying to figure out how I manage that.

The thing about loss and trauma is that it changes you forever. There’s no going back to how it was before that incident. There is a pre sibling loss Morgan and post sibling loss Morgan, pre still birth and post, pre and post-divorce. With every change comes a new strategy of how I’m going to handle pain and push through. Now I’m tasked with finding ways to remind myself that the losses in my life are not associated with the accomplishments the lows are not because of the highs. And even if they come at the same time allow them to stand alone.

Peace and much love,

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