Around & Within Episode 27
What’s your biggest regret in life so far?
When my close friend asked me that my heart sank leaving my chest feeling hollow and my eyes glazed over focused on the moment I wished I hadn’t taken my brother’s life for granted. It was 5 am in January of 2010 when I was headed back to school for my second semester. As my mother came to see me off my brother was sound asleep. She asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to Jacob before I left and
I thought meh he’ll probably shoo me away and wipe off my kisses he always hated when I woke him up even on Christmas. So I after staring at the door for a moment I declined and said nah it’s okay I’ll see him later. Oh how I long for that last groaning shoo away and stank morning breath instead my mind replays me looking at his door not knowing that was the last time he’d be on the other side of it.
I still cry about this. I took me 10 minutes to write that out because my tears were competing for attention. The hardest part about regret is that it doesn’t go away. I will never no regret that decision but I’ve watched it fuel me. How? Well for one I never leave without hugging or saying goodbye to people I love and two I refuse to pass on something as simple as opening the door ever again.
It was 8 years later after having a still birth, getting a divorce losing my job and selling my house that I realized the greatest pain is having that feeling of regret at the end of my life. I learned this as I watched my grandma’s eyes glazed over, her lips quivered as she talked to me about life. She’s almost 90 and as she looks back over what she can remember the one thing she couldn’t get over is the fact that she doesn’t have any more time. She spoke about the things she wished she had done. The lump that formed in the back of her throat was subdued with every drink of ginger ale. She drank ginger ale a lot in that conversation...
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Peace and much love,