Are you running from or running toward?
My god sister asked me if I had envisioned myself being where I am today, last year. I took a moment and realized that I wasn’t thinking about my future last year and up until right then I was still focused on running from my past. Getting a divorce made me realize how unhealthy the relationship was and how it took a toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. Once I had a taste of freedom I ran. I ran hard and fast and made sure I didn’t look back. My focus was on getting as far away from where I was that I didn’t care about where I was going. I was the white woman in a horror movie, who somehow is the last survivor after making consistent terrible decisions, running through the woods focused on dodging trees and getting as far away from the danger as possible. My audience, like all audiences do, was rooting for me to reach freedom too not caring about where exactly I was going just as long as it wasn’t backwards. With my only direction being away from my past I’ve been carelessly living, always on the go and very impulsive. I called myself making up for the time I missed since I was previously so focused on being responsible, never making mistakes, validating my worth through marriage and how my life looked on the outside. This “make up period” turned into a deep seeded fear of missing out. My mind has been so focused on the next event, get together, photo op, vacation, etc. that I didn’t leave enough room to think about the future. Just like the damsel in horror movies, simply dodging trees but not thinking about the fact that the woods will come to an end. Sometimes we can get so used to the woods and obstacles in our lives that we start to believe that our lives will never get through them. We become use to the turmoil and low season that we don’t even realize when we are out of it.
This past week I realized I was out of the woods when I literally drove through them trying to avoid an accident. I ended up hitting the car in front of me then veering off into an embankment and up into trees. I thought I was going to flip my car, but God! When my car stopped I was able to drive away without any injury to myself. I believe God was showing me that I’ve been moving too fast and I needed to slow down to realize that I’m out of the woods, far from danger and can bask in the freedom and safety He has provided me. I wasn’t wrong for focusing on getting away from where I was coming from. I had to run away to get to where I am now. The praise and encouragement I received was not in vain. However, I realize that I can’t focus on where I’m going if I’m wrapped up in where I’m running from. There has to be a time when I stop running, when I’m no longer making up the time.
My FOMO is natural. I believe we all have a fear of missing out whether it be for the upcoming event, vacation or sleep depending on who you ask. Now that I’m here on the walking in my freedom I’m changing the subject of my fear of missing out. I need to fear missing out on time spent growing, opportunities to cultivate my passions and becoming my best self. I know what it feels like to look back and fear going backwards. The last thing I want now is to look back and realize that I’ve been running in circles under the guise of running away going absolutely nowhere.
Peace and Love,
